Rules of Estrangement
Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict
Uncover the primary pathways to estrangement and learn exactly when to reach out and when to give space. A transformative look at why adult children cut ties — and how you can heal the conflict.
Named one of the five best books on estrangement by researchers — The New York Times
What’s inside
Drawing on four decades of clinical practice and his own reconciliation with an estranged daughter, Dr. Coleman maps the terrain most parents are navigating blind: what the adult child is actually asking for, why the usual instincts backfire, and what a real repair attempt looks like. It refuses the easy indictments — no toxic parents, no ungrateful kids — and looks instead at the cultural and economic changes that have raised what families expect of each other.
Chapters
All reviews
Praise from clinicians, sociologists, and writers.
“I found this book utterly engrossing. Dr Coleman writes accessibly with compassion and rare insight. It will be a comfort to those seeking answers to one of the most misunderstood and complex emotional issues facing many families today.”
Gabriel Byrne, Golden Globe winning star of HBO's In Treatment
“Finally, here's a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike. It candidly addresses parental estrangement from every conceivable angle, steering readers away from shame and blame to a place of newfound understanding and empowerment. This is exactly the book they have all been waiting for. I will be recommending it widely.”
Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
“Dr. Coleman has written a very thoughtful book filled with great wisdom and care. His advice is heartfelt, intelligent, and will be very helpful to many parents facing an array of complicated issues in their relationship with their adult children. He has developed a deep appreciation for how to help parents see their relationship with their children through the child's eyes.”
Amy J.L. Baker, PhD, author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome
“Dr. Coleman is one of the few experts in the western world on family estrangement. This book both comforts and challenges parents who are estranged from their adult children, lighting up a path for how they may repair their broken relationships. I would recommend this book to anyone looking to learn from years of refined specialist practice in this important field.”
Becca Bland, Chief Executive, Stand Alone Charity
“I loved this book. I loved its bravery and kindness, its storytelling and passion, its personal vulnerability and professional confidence, its historical insight and concrete advice for struggling families. Most of all I loved the compassion that Coleman clearly has for every family member who walks into his therapist's office. This beautiful book is for anybody who cares about what tears families apart and what keeps them together.”
Michelle Kuo, author of Reading with Patrick
“RULES OF ESTRANGEMENT is a must-read guide for any parent in a troubled relationship with their adult child. But it is also so much more — a sharp social and philosophical analysis of what it means to be part of a family in our strange cultural moment and a road map for parents everywhere to strengthen and future-proof their relationships with their children.”
Ruth Whippman, author of America the Anxious
“Family estrangement is shrouded in both shame and secrecy, yet in Dr Coleman's experienced hands, both the causes and consequences of estrangement become far easier to comprehend. Crucially, Dr Coleman explores the complexity of estrangement whilst extending kindness and compassion for all involved.”
Dr Lucy Blake, Senior Lecturer, Edge Hill University
“I have, for many years, recommended people to see Dr. Coleman, but until I read this book I don't think I ever knew the extraordinary range of his gifts. There are also fantastic stories of reconciliation and personal renewal. It's an inspirational book.”
Pepper Schwartz, PhD, Professor of Sociology, University of Washington
“Rejecting glib indictments of 'toxic parents' or 'ungrateful kids,' Coleman explores the socioeconomic and cultural changes that inflate both our expectations and our disappointments in family life, offering calming advice on ways that estranged families can recover or move on.”
Stephanie Coontz, author of The Way We Never Were
“Joshua Coleman has provided a beautifully written book that describes painful disruptions in relationships between parents and their adult children. His wise and authoritative strategies and specific tips will prove to be essential for both younger and older generations and for clinicians who attempt to foster hope and relationship repair.”
Philip A. Cowan, PhD & Carolyn Pape Cowan, PhD, UC Berkeley
“With the authority and wisdom that comes from both a firm grounding in history, sociology, and, especially, clinical practice, Joshua Coleman provides compassionate and useful advice to parents and their adult children who are trying to navigate the minefield of past family experience.”
Frank Furstenberg, Zellerbach Family Professor of Sociology, Emeritus, University of Pennsylvania
“His ability to integrate the science of relationships with warmth and wisdom based on 40 years of clinical experience makes this a highly compelling guide for families, health care professionals, and graduate programs.”
Joel Kramer, PsyD, Professor of Neuropsychology, UCSF Medical Center
Also by Dr. Coleman
Four more books on family relationships, marriage, and repair.